I realise I have been quiet lately. I have written and rewritten this post in my mind a number of times and wondered whether to share what has been going on in my life and if in fact I should share. Blogging is a challenging thing- it is hard sometimes working out how to share yourself honestly and with humility and not to over-share. Ann Voskamp says that when one writes or blogs, you should use your words as a gift to glorify God, with him doing with them what he will. So I have decided to be real and share.
God, in his Sovereign mercy, has decided to take our third child straight to be with him. It was early days, and I know that miscarriage happens for many women, yet it hasn’t stopped my heart being heavy with grief. As I sat at my first ultrasound and heard the diagnosis that my pregnancy was not ‘viable’, I found myself fluctuating between prayers. Part of my was praying for a miracle that somehow the technician had not found our baby where it should be- maybe we were having another strong-willed, independent blessing and our bub was simply doing it’s own thing and was hiding. The other part was praying that if God had chosen to take our bub to be with himself, my body would miscarry naturally and there wouldn’t be the added stress of medical intervention like my previous miscarriage. It felt strange and somewhat surreal. I mean in those early days, pregnancy seems surreal doesn’t it? You have the nausea but you aren’t showing any outward signs of the life being intricately woven together in your womb. But as we had rejoiced over the news of the joy of life, it felt a bit raw to have it taken away. Dave and I questioned why God would create life and chose to take our baby so early- he or she hadn’t even developed tiny fingers and toes!
At times like this- when grief comes to your door and your plans get messed up, I quickly find myself questioning God’s decision. But over the last few weeks, as I have come to terms with my sense of loss and have been a little tender, I have kept thinking, this is when I really see if I believe in a Sovereign God or not. Am I really going to trust that he is working and does have my world in his hands? We know and can be confident that God’s love endures forever, and he is faithful:
Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.- Deuteronomy 7:9
But as my Father, he has greater concern for my holiness than for my plans and comfort. While God does desire good for me and not evil (Psalm 84:11, Matthew 7:11) If our lives always went to plan, when would we see the need for him? When would we be driven to our knees to seek God and really surrender to him? You see, God and I don’t always agree on the plans I set. In his infinite mercy, faithfulness and knowledge, his plans are higher than mine (Isaiah 55:8-9) and he is working for my good- and that good is not my circumstantial comfort, it if for my holiness, conforming me into the image of his Son (1 Peter 1:16).
While painful, I also have been reminded that God too grieved over his Son’s death for my forgiveness. But God didn’t lose his Son, he freely gave his Son. So that you and I can be brought into restored relationship with himself. As he grieved, he knew that there too would be victory. That in Jesus laying down his life, we would be presented with spotless robes. When grief comes to our home, we can remember that this life is temporary and one day we will be presented holy and pure gifts to the Son who gave all:
Yet among the mature we do impart wisdom, although it is not a wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are doomed to pass away. 7 But we impart a secret and hidden wisdom of God, which God decreed before the ages for our glory. 8 None of the rulers of this age understood this, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory.9 But, as it is written,
“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,
nor the heart of man imagined,
what God has prepared for those who love him”—
10 these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God.
– 1 Corinthians 2:6-10
I also am comforted that as I go through grief and pain in life, I will not be left alone. Jesus is walking beside me, carrying me at times, training me and working in me (Hebrews 12:10-11). As we go through the ups and downs of life, may we stand firm, being confident that “that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6).
Blessings to you today, as you go through whatever season you are in. May you know God’s merciful hand guiding, comforting, leading and refining you. Together, may we grow to be more like Jesus, for this is the best plan of all.